Over the past several years, I’ve
observed that too many people seem to completely misunderstand what self esteem
is and where it comes from. I can’t even count the number of students who have
complained that I “ruined” or “hurt” their self esteem by giving them honest
feedback on their work. My question to them is this: if self esteem is about
your level of esteem for yourself, how can I possibly hurt or ruin it by giving
you honest feedback that is intended to help you improve your knowledge base
and gain additional skills? They usually respond with a confused look.
The confusion, I’m convinced, comes from the total misuse of
the concept over the past several years. We have somehow convinced our young
people that other people can harm them by giving them honest feedback. Mustn’t
use red pens to correct homework. We might hurt little Johnny’s feelings. Can’t
have winners and losers in our games, since someone’s feelings might get hurt.
As a result, many people mistake hurt feelings for low self esteem. More
importantly, though, they mistakenly believe that self esteem comes from
outside themselves, from what other people think or say.
Self esteem, literally, is the confidence and esteem we feel
for ourselves. We build that confidence and esteem by achieving worthy goals.
Self esteem comes from a sense of pride and accomplishment for jobs well done.
What that means is simply this: if I have set worthy goals and accomplished
those goals, I will feel proud of myself regardless of what an outsider says.
They may not like or even understand what I’ve accomplished. Certainly, an
outsider can hurt my feelings by being critical. But they can’t take away my
sense of accomplishment if I know I have done a good job.
It is only when we don’t set and achieve goals that we can
be proud of that someone else can manipulate our feelings about the self. Like
any other vacuum, failing to set and achieve goals creates a vacuum where your
self esteem should be. This leaves you vulnerable to other people’s opinions
and criticisms about you. On the other hand, if you accomplish things that make
you proud, you will develop the confidence to listen to the voice inside of you
instead of outside criticism.
And just what is a “worthy goal”? Worthy goals are those
goals that make you reach just beyond your current level of expertise or
experience. Your self esteem doesn’t grow from setting your goals too low or
too high. You must set them high enough that you have to reach to achieve them
but low enough so that they are achievable, with effort and hard work.
